Friday, 21 October 2011

Crime report

Its been a while since World Egg Throwing Federation HQ received a coat of paint and the timber is suffering. The CEO decided some months ago that it should be re coated during the summer and left Half Done to organise it. 1st mistake.

In October Half Done arranges for chippy John the Joiner to start work. This isn’t a mistake, apart from the timing, as they are a lot of repairs and John, being a useful sort of chap, can also wield a paint brush properly. John is to be assisted by Half Done. When I say assisted I mean he will make coffee and offer opinions on a range of subjects, most of which he knows nothing about such as chippying and painting. He is mostly unable to assist physically because of his damaged left arm. Johns work commences, stripping off the old stuff, rubbing down, 2 coats of primer, 2 under coats and 2 top.

Half Done (thinking he is a bright sort, 2nd mistake) recognises that despite being left handed, he could assist by using a sander with his right arm to remove a touch of paint. He shows this by sanding the window frame with a small Bosch 90 detail sander. He then discovers that a detail sander can also create a number of immovable small circles on glass. 3rd mistake. Half Done now restricts himself to the art of fetching and carrying light stuff. He puts everything away after each day in the open front cart sheds. 4th mistake.

Over the weekend, The CEO is disturbed by the dogs wild and insistent barking when the automatic outside approach lights come on. The dogs bark for a number of reasons and have two types of bark they use. One for people they recognise and the other for strangers, hedgehogs, cats, the wind, an aircraft, another dog barking four miles away and foxes. This time it’s the latter bark and the CEO goes to see which it is. No sign of anything and the dogs stop barking as soon as the door is opened.

Monday, Half Done is about to go off to see a Doctor about his damaged arm and John is to be left to his own devices. He is happy but asks Half Done where the Bosch 90 sander is. A search of the cart store finds several but no Bosch. Half Done declares “It may have been stolen last night but I’ll look again later”. The CEO berates him for being an idiot and not locking it up in his shed.

Tuesday, Half Done undertakes a serious top to bottom search of the property to find the sander. Not a sign of it is to be found apart from its empty carry case and so………. he buys another. The CEO berates him for not securing it properly and demands he reports it to the Police. He says he will.

Wednesday, the CEO berates him again and the Police are contacted and arrange for a report to be taken. A charming lady Police Officer arrives that evening to discuss with the CEO Half Dones incompetences, how nice the cats are, what a nice house it is, how to stop smoking and again what an idiot Half Done is.

Thursday, the report of the burglary is now around the village and Half Done is the butt of many jokes.

Friday, Half Done goes into his office, sits down, turns on computer and waits for machine to warm up. As he does so he notice a dusty Bosch 90 sander on the floor.

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